Your worth can never grow or fade, increase or decrease, come or go. It’s always in you because it is you. What changes is your perception of your worth, but there are practices to build your sense of worth.
What we believe we deserve depends on how we perceive our worth. We judge whether or not we’re worthy of love, money, following our dreams— anything we desire.
Just like self-love and self-care, self-worth is a practice. It’s being mindful of where we attach our worth and reminding ourselves that our worth isn’t actually where we go looking for it— it’s a stand-alone, always-there, untouchable quality! And while we won’t find our worth outside of us, we can find ways to reinforce our sense of self-worth if we look at it from a healthy perspective!
There are many ways we judge our self-worth, but there are three that are especially common— and unhelpful and unhealthy. When we meet the standards we set for ourselves, we feel a sense of high self-worth, but when we fall short, our sense of worth goes plummeting.
Through recognizing your false set of criteria, you’re able to detach your worth from outside sources and reclaim your worth as inherent and unshakeable.
False Source #1: Perfection
Oh, my poor ex-boyfriend. I would creep through our relationship like a little mouse. Too scared and timid to speak up, I kept my thoughts and frustrations hidden, afraid that if I revealed myself, I would lose him. I aspired toward being the perfect example of “easy going.” If I disrupted the harmony, I would lose his love for sure. If I was not the perfect girlfriend, I was also not worthy of love.
One of my biggest struggles is remembering that I’m worthy of love even if I make mistakes or stumble over my words or express negative emotions. Even though I’m imperfect, I am worthy of love. I need to give myself frequent reminders that someone can love me and hold space for flaws and frustrations.
You’re worthy even if you’re not perfect.
I struggle with needing to be perfect in romantic relationships. You might think that you need to act like the perfect employee, appear to be the perfect mom, have the appearance of a supermodel, or show up as the bubbly, cheerful, no-cares-in-the-world friend— every time. Admit it, it’s exhausting. And it’s not getting you anywhere.
5 Steps to Release Perfection as a Source of Self-Worth
1// Understand that your worth is NOT tied to perfection. Which is a good thing, because perfection is impossible to attain.
Mistakes, failures, and negative emotions are not only acceptable— they’re expected.
2// Realize that everything can be improved. If you look at anything closely and critically enough, you can find something to improve. I don’t care if you’re looking at the Mona Lisa— there’s a tiny blemish in there somewhere.
If you are striving for perfection, you are guaranteed to lose. Perfection doesn’t fit reality.
3// Set realistic expectations. Even though it does nothing to affect your worth, it helps with your perception of self-worth. If you measure your performance according to reasonable standards, then at best you’ll feel proud, and at worst you’ll feel acceptance— all of which support a healthy sense of self-worth.
4// Focus on processes, rather than outcomes, as a basis for evaluating situations.
Evaluate your date on whether you showed up curious, authentic, and excited— NOT on whether he asked for a second date.
Evaluate your art project on how much you enjoyed creating it— NOT how it looks when it’s finished.
You don’t need a perfect outcome to feel successful.
5// Talk about your flaws and imperfections. Share your fears and anxiety about being imperfect. Admit when you make mistakes instead of covering them up. Ask for help to improve. Sharing your flaws and imperfections makes you honest and approachable— both great qualities— and will draw people toward you, not push them away. Sharing also takes away their power and makes them less scary.
False Source #2: Achievement
My sense of worth was tied so tightly to achievement that for a while I didn’t believe I was worthy to live. I believed I needed to earn my worth, and I didn’t see myself earning anything. Especially on those days when I was completely unproductive and accomplished nothing meaningful— a waste of a day and a waste of life.
It was a profound moment for me when I realized that my life was worthy regardless of achievement (or lack thereof). Even though I have unproductive days and no great achievements to show for myself, I’m still worthy of being alive.
You’re worthy regardless of achievement.
I struggle with needing achievement to be worthy of life itself. You might need achievement to prove your worth in your profession, to prove that you’re worthy of financial abundance, or to prove that you’re worthy of admiration and appreciation. None of this changes your worth.
2 Steps to Release Achievement as a Source of Self-Worth
1// Recognize your inherent worth.
My friends are incredible humans— but they’re also ordinary, by most standards. Does this mean they are any less worthy? Absolutely not!
If someone else has worth without great achievement, then why can’t you?
2// Redefine achievement.
I defined achievement as a great and meaningful contribution to society. I defined achievement as using every moment of the day as effectively and efficiently as possible. Achievement didn’t exist in the small and ordinary. Achievement certainly didn’t exist is me being me.
Look at what you consider achievement (this might tie into unrealistic expectations of perfection, too). What do you need to achieve to have worth? Let this definition of achievement go.
Instead of a specific outcome being your measure of achievement, aim for ways of being. What is most important to you? I like to feel love and excitement. I like to be kind and generous. I like to spend time learning and creating. Act in alignment with what matters most to you, and use it as a measure of achievement. While it won’t affect your worth, it will help boost your perception of your self-worth.
False Source #3: Approval
I once dated a guy, and I was desperate for his approval. The chemistry was so strong, and I so badly wanted him to like me. It didn’t matter that the conversation was lackluster. It didn’t matter that I was often bored when we were together. I needed his approval. Without it, there was most definitely something wrong with me, something that made me not good enough to date and not worthy of love.
Cue the revelation: I have nothing to prove. I don’t need to earn someone’s love. They either give it to me or they don’t, but it’s in no way a reflection of my worth.
I struggle with needing the approval of men to feel worthy of love. You might need the approval of a parent, a partner, a colleague, or a boss to see your worth. None of these people get to decide your worth. Whether they recognize it or not, your worth is always, always, always there.
3 Steps to Release Approval as a Source of Self-Worth
1// Know that rejection is never your fault!
My favorite cookies in the whole wide world are made with Andes Mints. If you don’t like the taste of mint, then they’re not even your least-liked cookie— they’re not on your list at all.
People are like that, too— we all have our distinctive flavors, and we all have our preferences. Your dislike of mint cookies doesn’t make them bad; it just makes them not your thing (and more for me!). When someone isn’t into you, it’s in no way a reflection upon you or your worth; they just prefer other cookies. And honestly, can you claim you’ve wanted to be friends with every single person you’ve ever crossed paths with? Is it reasonable to expect the same from others? Rejection has nothing to do with you.
2// Remind yourself that you have nothing to prove.
The approval of others doesn’t increase your worth, and it doesn’t improve your life, either. Why spend your time chasing after someone’s approval, when you can be spending it deepening a connection with someone who already likes and accepts you?
Someone will like you for your authentic self, or they won’t. And if you’re acting a certain way in order to gain their approval… then you’re not actually earning their approval, are you? You have nothing to prove; someone seeing your worth isn’t your responsibility or your problem.
3// Approve of yourself.
Notice all the good things about you, and give yourself that approval! And when you notice flaws or mistakes, approve of how you accept and handle them! Even your own approval doesn’t change your worth, but it boosts your perception of self-worth.
Perfection, achievement, and approval are three areas where we look for worth. You won’t find it there. Worth is independent of everything, inherent and unshakeable. Recognize when you’re using outside sources to validate your worth, and remind yourself that nothing changes your worth. Redefine your standards and reinvent your perception of self-worth; start looking for all the things that prove your worthiness.